Humor

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Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on...what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendent?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch-and she did!

Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A. I have only one, you know.

Q. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q. Were you alone or by yourself?

Q. How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q. So you were gone until you returned?

Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there girls?

Q. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?  

Q. Have you lived in this town all your life?
A. Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q. Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A. It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q. And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A. No, stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!


A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."


No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.</b></p> <p><b>In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.</b></p> <p><b>In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. &quot;No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club&quot;.&nbsp;</b> <b>The following important amendment however is to be considered here: &quot;The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.&quot;&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because &quot;The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.&quot;&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job - for men only - called a corset inspector.)&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.</b></p> <p><b>In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment.&nbsp;</b> <b>Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Ottumwa, Iowa, &quot;It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted.&quot;&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel... however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.&nbsp;</b></p> <p><b>In Pennsylvania, &quot;any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.&quot;


The NEW Bill of Rights

Nearly everything has changed in the United States since the Bill of Rights was written and adopted. We still see the original words when we read those first 10 Amendments to the Constitution, yet the meaning is vastly different now. And no wonder. We've gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred million. The nation's desire to band together was replaced by revulsion of togetherness. We exchanged a birthright of justice for a magic bullet, and replaced the Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer Stereo. We're not the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should reflect this. As we enter the 21st Century, it's time to bring the wording up to date showing what we are and who we are. 

AMENDMENT I

Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such speech can be construed as "commercial speech" or "irresponsible speech" or "offensive speech;" or shall abridge the right of the people to peaceably assemble where and when permitted; or shall abridge the right to petition the government for a redress of grievances, under proper procedures. It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theatre occupied by three or more persons, unless such persons shall belong to a class declared Protected by one or more divisions of Federal, State or Local government, in which case the number of persons shall be one or more. 

AMENDMENT II

A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of the President, and no political entity within the United States shall maintain a military force beyond Presidential control. The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall be determined by the Congress and the States and the Cities and the Counties and the Towns (and someone named Fred.) 

AMENDMENT III

No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been used, or believed may be used, for some purpose contrary to law or public policy. 

AMENDMENT IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may not be suspended except to protect public welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject to search by law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such places or conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary to law. 

AMENDMENT V 

Any person may be held to answer for a crime of any kind upon any suspicion whatever; and may be put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state courts, by the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; and may be compelled to be a witness against himself by the forced submission of his body or any portion thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding actual trial. Private property forfeited under judicial process shall become the exclusive property of the judicial authority and shall be immune from seizure by injured parties. 

AMENDMENT VI 

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to avoid prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its practitioners. Failure to succeed shall result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser charges. Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until sentence is completed. It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from service on a jury. 

AMENDMENT VII 

In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private life may interest the public, the right of trial in the Press shall not be abridged. 

AMENDMENT VIII 

Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous persons remain in custody pending trial. There shall be no right of the public to be afforded protection from dangerous persons, and such protection shall be dependent upon incarceration facilities available. 

AMENDMENT IX 

The enumeration in The Constitution of certain rights shall be construed to deny or discourage others which may from time to time be extended by the branches of Federal, State or Local government, unless such rights shall themselves become enacted by Amendment. 

AMENDMENT X 

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution shall be deemed to be powers residing in persons holding appointment therein through the Civil Service, and may be delegated to the States and local Governments as determined by the public interest. The public interest shall be determined by the Civil Service.


A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Arenít you going to get a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave." replied the lawyer.


What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before he is arrested?

An accomplice.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after he is arrested?

A lawyer.


A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see Peter, James and John. To his total surprise, Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to see where the lawyer was, and warmly greeted him. Then Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and led him to the head of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I donít mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

To which Peter replied, "Well, Iíve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be 193 years old!"


Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, "Trust us--we're lawyers."

When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly canceled.

On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they said modestly, "we ARE lawyers."

After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. "Trust us," the three said. "We're lawyers."

When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the adjoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant's bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.


Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneysí rifles were too far away to do them any good.

Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other.

"Because I can run faster without them," replied the first.

"I donít care how fast you can run, youíll never outrun a lion!" the second said.

The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I donít have to outrun the lion. I only have to outrun you!"


What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue.

And his son?

Bill.


How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

How many judges does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.


Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.


A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."


A doctor and a lawyer are at a cocktail party when the doctor is approached by a man asking advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor gives him some medical advice, then turns to the lawyer, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replies that it is certainly acceptable to do so.

So, the next day, the doctor sends the ulcer guy a bill for fifty dollars and the lawyer sends the doctor one for seventy five.


You might be a law student if:

If you average 3 hours of sleep a night

If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't

If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week

If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy

If you wake up 10 minutes before class

If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them

If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class

If your social life consists of a date with the library

If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room

If you carry less than a dollar on your person

If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class

If you celebrate when you find a quarter

If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over

If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself

If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis

If you get more sleep in class than in your room

If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles

If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo

If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes

If you get more e-mail than mail...... THEN YOU MIGHT BE A LAW STUDENT!!!

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